It's Been A Long Time Coming, But.
I'm leaving social media for six months and YOU HAVE TO READ WITH MY FEELINGS ABOUT IT. (If you want.)
It’s late December, and I’m flailing onto the black couch in my therapist’s office. It has not been a shining day, week, month, or six weeks since we last met. Despite no previous experience with quicksand, I do feel like I’m walking through something mucky and sludgy.
We spend the appointment walking through the muck and sludge together. With every way she’s asking me if I’m taking care of myself, I laugh because no, Jenny, why would I move my body to make myself feel better, that’s ABSURD.
Walking through 2023, Jenny and I come to a place where we realize that maybe I set down goal setting after not reaching a goal I had worked towards. She gently suggests this is not the best way for me to live.
“I truly believe that if you just sat down in a coffee shop for four hours and worked on goals for the next year, the next five years, the next ten years… with all your journals and shit1, you would feel better.”
She really knows me, I thought.
So I went to do just that.
On Christmas break, I left the house and went to the Big Mall in the city.2 I went to the sitdown Starbucks, because I had a reward for a venti sized drink. I sat down with my fountain pen and just let the words tumble out of me.
I created two columns “In the next five years…” and “In the next ten years…” and as I wrote long sentences and paragraphs of feelings processing, I’d add things in those columns if ideas came up. There were goals about more travelling. About cooking a turkey. About where I’d like to physically live in the next ten years.
One goal took me by surprise — and I kind of forgot it was even something I had written down until it was the first week of January.
It’s January 5. It’s a Friday night and surprisingly, I’m ending the day with my journal. It’s surprising because I haven’t been doing that lately. But that morning, I found a goal that was in the “next five years” column of my journal. And it said, “Give up social media for a year.” And I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I wrote about it in my journal that night: “What if I did take a massive break from social media, and what if I started soon? Threw all my efforts into something else… into figuring out who I am and what I like.”3
And then three days later, I’m writing about it in my journal again. I’m talking about it with Dave, with Lauren, with Erin and other friends, with my family, with Jenny. And I’m deciding to make it six months for now, and do another six months later… but we’ll start here. And I’m deciding to start on January 24, because that’ll take me to my birthday, exactly six months from January 24.
And now, buddies - I’m doing it.
“This isn’t an airport, you don’t need to announce your departure.” Fair, I get that. But I do want to share why I’m doing this, in case you haven’t found the exact right words for why a social media break is calling to you.
I want to say that it’s just been that lately, I’ve been feeling the frustration with social media, but that’s not true. There are throughlines of it beginning in September 2022. Maybe it’s because I haven’t taken a meaningful break since then - but maybe it’s also because I’m on an endless hamster wheel of input. If you were really paying attention, you could maybe tell I was going to get here.
Lately when I am on social media, I realize how very susceptible I am to the relentless inputs social media offers. I am watching everyone’s highlight reels, everyone’s version of what success looks like, everyone’s version of what life looks like, and it is not doing my brain any favours.
It feels too tender, too vulnerable to even type, but I’ll speak honestly. I have always tried to shape shift into being a person who is liked, who is successful, and who fits in (but in a quirky way so people can still be left an arms length distance away). “What do you want from me,” I think and say, “So I can just be that?” Many days, I can do it. But social media presents me with too many paths, too many options, too many opportunities. It creates a distance where I’m keeping myself at arms length away. My brain feels like a spinning top. My focus feels shot. I feel paralyzed by the options. I feel like a shapeshifter who’s been asked to shape shift too many times in too short an amount of time.
More often than not, I catch myself thinking, “I want to be like so-and-so” instead of making lists of what I’m grateful for. And yes, I’m a person who makes gratitude lists so it’s a red flag when I don’t!
The social media of it all is veering into addiction territory, and that’s always when I want to prove to myself that I can be done with it.
Also - I am craving something with hard boundaries. Maybe an announced six month social media break isn’t for you — but I need something where I can show myself that I have the discipline, drive, fortitude, and focus to do something like this. Something that feels hard, but I know I can push through on.
So, I’m doing it!
The practical stuff, if you’re curious.
The biggest social media culprits for me are TikTok, Instagram, and (please don’t make fun of millenial Hannah) Facebook. Twitter somewhat, but only to participate in collective joy (and sometimes sorrow) around the Edmonton Oilers and Taylor and Travis. So on January 24, I am saying “goodbye for now” to all of those.4 And also Threads, but like, I’m rarely over there.
I will still be on Substack. (Maybe… more?)5
For the last week, I’ve been de-coupling my relationship with social media. Deleting Instagram off my phone. Signing out of social media on my desktop for chunks of time. On January 24, I deleted the apps and got Dave to change my passwords, so I can’t access them. I’m certain I’ll have a slip up here and there, but I’m determined to be as strict with myself as I can possibly be. If all goes according to plan, I’ll be back on July 24… but I’m certain you’ll get some thoughts and feelings out of me before then.
The hopes for my time away, if you’re curious.
I did start a note on my phone: “Things I am looking forward to / thinking about doing while off social media” - and here are some samplings…
A written day in the life post, a la
atTaking more photos on my film camera
Having more time to organize and clean things (because I’m not falling down a scroll trap)
Or to get absolutely jacked (lol to me)
Nights where I fall asleep quickly because there’s nothing around to scroll / numb out on
Being a little bit removed from constantly being served ads and opportunities to spend money
Reading books that I keep saying I’ll read
Healing my attention span so I can read some thoughtful non-fiction books that have felt like brain quicksand lately
Spending more time writing, and on Pinterest6, and here on Substack
Being interested, inspired by, grateful for, and in awe of my life again.
And that’s it! (She says, at the end of a really scrolly, really rambly, really feelings filled post). So if you dare to find me, look to the Western sky or this Substack, but not on the good ole Instagram these days.
Truly her words, not mine. Jenny, if you’re reading this even though I tried to talk around this Substack in our last appointment: I’m grateful for you, k bye.
Please do not judge me - it is JUST WHERE EVERYTHING IS!
Later on in this journal entry, as I’m reflecting on social media’s outsized place in my life, I wrote, “The red flag should’ve been when I couldn’t write an about page about my life.” You’ll read more on that later.
Fine, if you’re a puritan, I’m going to still be on Facebook until about February 17 because of the play. Do you know I’m in a play? I’m in a play. This is one of the only things I talk about these days.
Actually, one of the factors that made me feel like I could do this was having a Substack community — having a place to share and a wonderful community takes some of the edge off, if I’m being honest.
I know you may consider this social media but I DO NOT, BYE BUDDIES
I hope it brings you what you want. I deleted fb off my phone and eventually rarely use it. I deleted IG off my phone but kept it on my iPad that I’m shockingly too lazy to get out most of the time. I do think maybe I’m less..angry. But I’ve done none of the things I thought I would do - like read more and make more art. I guess I’m more present in what I’m doing or not doing. It’s weird. I should prob journal about it instead of write this long comment to a stranger. 😆
I appreciate the reflection so much and wish you the best experience! I can’t wait to see you over here more! Keep the rambling, emotion filled writing coming!