Moer Notes // 2
Notes from August: why "experiment" has captured my imagination; I descend into chaos re: the Notes app; I cannot write less about what I am noticing, I am sorry!
catch me trying.
In July, the word “experiment” popped into three separate scenes of my life and it has captured my attention ever since.
ON A PLANE WHEN I WAS TOO LAZY TO PULL OUT MY JOURNAL
In the midst of The OC rewatch, I pulled out my phone. My brain felt spinny - enough that my fingers itched to get some thoughts out - still not enough to write it out by hand. I open a note, write, “things i am thinking about” at the top and begin the list. I put the phone down, pick it up, add more. About halfway down, I write: “I want to be more experimental with my life!” In sub-bullets underneath, I wrote “eating breakfast first thing” and “taking pip for a walk also kind of first thing”.ON MY THERAPIST’S BLACK LEATHER COUCH
A week later, I’m on my therapist’s couch. It’s nearing the end of my month off of work. We’re spending time talking about the months before, about the place I was in. I tell her a story of how - in May, with beautiful weather almost every day, I would convince myself with “logic” that I couldn’t run because the weather wasn’t going to stay warm the whole day. Kindly, she pauses and says, “That was maybe a good indicator of the unhealthy place you were in.” Instead of using “logic” to fall into perfect scenarios, she reminds me I can just try things. I can experiment. I almost leap off the couch: I’ve been priming myself for this word.ON A MICROSOFT TEAMS CALL WITH MY BOSS
He says the word experiment in a throw away sentence, but I sit up and scream, “THAT’S THE THIRD TIME THAT WORD HAS COME UP!” He is immediately flustered; my mind is spinning.
I don’t think anyone will ever call me a perfectionist, but what I know to be true - with YEARS of data - is that I am very hard on myself. (Please see many conversations with my husband, my bosses during every performance review over the last three years, and my therapist for references.)
This leads to a fun game in my head: “If you can’t do this well, don’t do it at all.” So I keep trying to productivity hack my way to perfection; to do all my trying in secret so it comes out looking maybe close to effortless. I have a weird belief that I can’t be in the middle of anything; I can’t talk about it until I’ve figured it out.
And I guess that’s why “experiment” has captured my imagination lately. I am not hip with the sciences. I cannot tie this back to science experiments and a hypothesis and research collection methods and conclusions.
But as someone on TikTok once said, “I am not afraid to be caught trying.”
To me, that’s what this mindset shift has meant to me: the goal is just to try. Not to be good enough. Not to uncover a secret, effortless way of doing it. Just to try; just to pay attention; just to see what works. If it doesn’t, I’ve lost nothing.
When I get paralyzed by the overwhelm, when I try to logic myself into inaction, when my stomach is turning over with butterflies, I say - with my out loud voice - “This is just an experiment. I have nothing to lose.”
So all of August - this is what I noticed: how I am just trying things in my life. Trying to be less precious. Trying to wash my face. Trying to write a page and text people when I’m actually thinking about them. Trying to eat breakfast, trying to set my clothes out the night before, trying to see if putting reminders everywhere reminds me of my priorities.
Sometimes, I try to put my evening skincare basket in front of my pillow, so I have to move it back to the bathroom - and then, since I’m already there, why don’t I wash my face? Sometimes, I walk Pippin first thing in the morning in silence, letting my thoughts spin. Sometimes, I do the walk first thing and listen to The Popcast.
I want to use all my words to say: I am trying my absolute best to try. I am trying very hard to be a beginner, to test, to do something differently, even when it is not the first thing I want to do. Even if the script running through my head is “this is a waste of time” or “being a beginner is boring” or, most accurately: “Your lemon lime brain wants to numb out so you do not have to face the full spectrum of your feelings about everything” - I am still choosing to show up in my life and just… try some things out.
The goal is to experiment. To notice. To tell people about it. I hope sometime, you do the same.
notes I kept in August.
I wrote 24 notes this month - you’re just getting the highlights this time. Okay? Okay. Also as I organize these, I know there has to be a better way! Chaos is all I will choose.
WISHLIST / NO BUY MONTH: It’s been 24 days since I last spent money, and I am doing what all the finance people tell you to do: keep a list of things you want. Highlights: telling myself what clothes I want but reminding myself I need to do a closet clear out first; Rivals for Catan, and replacing my favourite coffee straws ASAP.
MEGHAN // BOOKS (see also: Books dave should read, SARAH // BOOKS, EMMA // BOOKS): This month, my husband told me the books I recommend to him are out of his comfort zone. Then I listed numerous books Dave read and enjoyed… at my recommendation. Then he said, “Oh but those were highly personalized recommendations!” Like that is not the level I always operate at? Anyways, I got sent the librarian sommelier meme twice this month and I’m not convinced it’ll stay at two.
September 7 @ 12 pm (see also: August 31 @ 1 pm): I’ve learned nothing and continue to keep appointments this way.
Work thought (see also: Community that’s a part of advancing our missi…, work things): Do I have a journal that I keep for work? No, I have three. Plus chaotic papers. And yet, still: I choose to keep the chaos in notes. (This normally happens when I’m walking around and a work thought comes to mind. But not even in one note? I’m feeling convicted here.)
Projects i am trying to name (see also: things I am thinking about, side quests, tooooooDAYYYYYYY, september reading priorities, Groceries - August 6 - 13): I gotta write stuff down to organize it. A catch all for house projects, habits, daily to do lists, reading priorities, and yeah: during one week, a grocery list.
Year 6 of dating: Tried to write what Dave meant to me in this last year of being together, but didn’t want to share with the wider public that I cried for 48 hours straight and was getting out of bed at 2:30 am during the worst of the year, and he just held down… everything, including my fragile mental health. I’m glad for some things to stay in the drafts.
29 (see also: 75 SOFT //): keeping brainstorming lists for goals but my lukewarm take is that my goals aren’t real until they’re copied into three of my journals.
Erin quotes: Pulled up this ole note to write this gem of a quote: “I’ve never thought about this before but I could not feel stronger!” (Keeping friends quotes in my phone is a deep joy.)
Post the instagram you want to see in the world!: This was the draft note for this post.
ON LISTS + CONTROL: things I heard on a podcast that I wanted to remember. I did not, indeed, remember.
Loving…: Three things, apparently. Pinterest board organization as recommended by Lauren. Thinking of cleaning as a habit / muscle, not a project to be finished. The Organized Wallet on TikTok. You’re welcome for sharing this content.
notes from August.
Reading: I’m on pace to read about 10+ books this month! Two of my favourites: TOMORROW, AND TOMORROW, AND TOMORROW (this book is everywhere and I was certain it would be overhyped; alas, I finished and wanted to contact every friend I had fallen out of touch with - it may not be for you but it was for me) and THE MAN WHO DIED TWICE (I cannot recommend seguptanarian mysteries enough - particularly with a cast this hilarious.)
Watching: I am watching The O.C. as my “bribing myself to do things around the house” show, still - but have mixed in High School Musical: The Musical: The Series. I immediately watched season 3 of Never Have I Ever, and I SCREAMED numerous times tonight as we finished the Only Murders in the Building podcast. What do I wish I was watching? Thanks for asking, Ted Lasso: Season 3.
Listening: For podcasts, The Popcast and The Daily continue to be my pillars. I added Pod Meets World into the rotation - I’m a sucker for a rewatch podcast. Musically, I’m finally on a Maggie Rogers / Phoebe Bridges kick, years too late. Had a surprise Christmas interlude because our fundraising coach asked us to think about Christmas on August 7. I saw Lord Huron and can’t stop listening. My spring cleaning playlist is finding new life in my soul in late August.
Inspired By: My save folder on Instagram. Instagram Poets, including Mary Oliver’s Drunk Cousin and literally everyone else who keeps popping up in my explore page, like Jess Janz. (Please raise your hand if you want to be in a small poetry group with me.) It bears repeating: The Organized Wallet on TikTok. (why do I find her so soothing?) Claire’s new newsletter.
Trying: Morning walks with Pippin - half of the time in silence! Using whiteboards to track my goals, a la Olivia Muenter! (Pls see my pale imitation here.) Pizza Fridays with dough I made with my own two hands! Meal planning for a whole month! A whole month of Peloton rides - sometimes with arms! The 75 Soft but a version that works for me, with Claire and other pals!
last but note least.
A few weeks ago, I was roaming through old notes and I thought about adding a second series into this newsletter called Notes from the Drafts, where I take half formulated notes / note titles (OR EVEN MAYBE MORE FUN: YOUR NOTES TITLES?) and turn them into little freewriting projects. (I will maybe do this personally anyways.) But if you might be interested in that, leave me a comment!
Wait, leave me a comment anyways with your favourite note title in your phone. I’ll go first: “things i cried about on planes:”
So so so much from catch me trying spoke to my enneagram 1 heart. Oh, so much.
Fave note title: “ I suspect game of thrones has killings?” In which I capture a convo with my then 6 year old about what she imagines Game of Thrones is about and why she isn’t allowed to watch it.
i have two!!! favorite notes titles, that is.
1. everything scary about my childhood i relate to men with mustaches.
2. new book name i call it